I often wake up with a sense of dread and impending doom. I get the feeling that I should have taken care of all the important elements in my life a long time ago and that because of this failure to prepare while it was still possible I am heading towards guaranteed chaos.

In elementary school I had the feeling that I was especially talented. My teacher gave me the feeling that he loved me. From all of the students in the class he only knew my birthday by heart. If he became aware of someone's birthday, he would usually invite the birthday boy or girl to the front of the class, so that the whole class could sing Happy Birthday for him or her. I remember he waved for me to come to him on my birthday first thing in the morning while other students pointed out that another kid had its birthday on the same day. That teacher should be about 75 years old now. I wouldn't recognize him if I saw him on the street.

He probably liked me because he knew my sister. I always noticed that teacher seemed to like me more if they already knew my sister. She seemed to make a good and very personal impression on teachers. My sister got diagnosed with cancer this year.

I don't remember the name of one of my teachers that liked my sister. Some of my teachers from school have already died. Two of my favorite teachers have already died. Both of them taught Latin. A while ago I found a piece of paper in my belongings which contained a short and funny conversation I had with one of those teachers. I suddenly wept. I wasn't close to that teacher but I always had the feeling that we liked each other. As far as I know he committed suicide after being diagnosed with a brain tumor.

The other teacher that died gave me a sense for the importance of literature and philosophy. He had a great impact on me. You could tell he actually cared for his subjects, German, Latin and Ethics, which was motivating. But he always seemed depressed about the irrelevance of his subjects for economics. He apparently died of his excessive consumption of alcohol and cigarettes.